How to NOT get divorced during QUARANTINE!
January is dubbed Divorce Month because more divorces are filed in January than in any other month of the year.
What do the divorce rate spike in China and “Divorce Month” in January have in common? They both follow an extended period of time living with family.
WHY CORONAVIRUS QUARANTINE WILL BECOME A NIGHTMARE In any relationship, we have to balance being communal (being a WE) with being autonomous (being a ME). This balancing act gives rise to two basic relational needs:
the need for CLOSENESS and
the need for SEPARATENESS.
NOTE: And if you’re an introvert, you’re doubly screwed… …because introverts recharge their batteries by being alone – which is much more difficult during a quarantine.
Being in quarantine as a family might be tolerable for a few days or so, but after a week the cracks will begin to show.
After a few weeks, expect your home to turn into a minefield with everyone walking on eggshells around each other feeling stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, irritable, or annoyed and angry…
TIPS TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER DURING QUARANTINE:
1) Have a family meeting and everyone say what they "need" and write it down. Get everyone to figure out how they call all help meet that need. IF they don't know what they want, then ask how can we give you time time alone to recharge yourself? Chances are if you don't make your needs explicit, your family won't know how to give you what you need.
2)Change up your living space, no better time to clean out the garage than when you can turn it into a livable "chill spot" for some alone time. Convert that office into a bedroom or convert your patio into a place that you take turns spending time outside.
3) Try to get some sun. Just getting outside and going for a walk or working in the yard will do wonders for the cabin fever.
4) NOTHING will kill your emotional connection faster than resentment. Clean up your "emotional trash". Pick up your emotional trash – meaning talk about your hurt feelings and resolve them there and then. If you notice that your partner is looking upset, ask them what’s up and listen attentively (and with an open heart) to what they say.
If your partner declares that “Nothing’s wrong!” (and you know that’s not the case), just say “Your feelings matter to me. I’m always available for you if and when you want to talk about it.” Say this: When I saw/heard/felt you ____, (insert triggering action) …the story that I made up was ____. (insert your assumption) I felt ____. (choose one: hurt, sad, lonely, scared) I need ____. (choose one: reassurance that…, help with…, to understand you, to be listened to, a hug) That will get you out of trouble quickly.
5)APPRECIATE YOUR PARTNER'S SURVIVAL STRATEGY
: 1) Me against the world, 2) Social - My network 3) Me& You (partner)
**The Self Preservation partner is ready, already saved money and has a stock pile of stuff for this kind of thing. Give them a kiss and hug because they are ready!
**The Social Partner will think there is more safety in numbers. If you run out of food for example, one call will fix that.
**The one on one partner feels like they can count on their partner when it hits the fan! They have invested time into building a super intimate relationship with their partner, because it is the one person they know they can count on!
I recommend talking about all of these, identify which one you identify with most and discuss which one benefits your family the most.
WHY BOTHER? The point of knowing about these three strategies is to become more tolerant, more appreciative, and more compassionate towards each other.
6) Dont leave connection to chance. Create rituals during this time to connect in a positive way!
HOW TO CREATE MEANINGFUL CONNECTION DAILY Categorized by using 1 of the 5 Love Languages (i.e. touch, gift giving, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation). 1. Wake Up Rituals
Kiss your partner awake (a touch ritual).
Make “I love you” the first words your partner hears each day (a words of affirmation ritual).
Greet your partner/family with a meaningful hug in the morning (a touch ritual).
Bring your partner coffee (acts of service / gift giving ritual).
My wife and I read to each other for 15 minutes in the mornings (a quality time ritual).
Workout at home together (a quality time ritual).
2. Mealtime Rituals
Sit down and eat meals together without the TV on and with phones away (a quality time ritual).
Go around the table and share one thing you appreciate about each person at the table and why (a words of affirmation ritual).
Ask each other questions about what you’re looking forward to today; what you’re struggling with today; what you’re hoping for today; highlights of the day etc… (a quality time ritual).
Laugh together e.g. each bring one joke to tell to the meal table (a quality time ritual).
Hold hands and bless your meal (a touch ritual).
3. Evening Rituals
Play board games together (a quality time ritual).
Share highlights and lowlights of your day (a quality time ritual).
Thank each other for one thing they did for you (a words of affirmation ritual).
Hug (for a minimum of 5 seconds) and kiss each other goodnight (a touch ritual).
Gift yummy food – my step-daughter always brings me vegan chocolate each night (gift giving ritual).
MARRIDATE OFFERS QUARANTINE COUNSELING WITH OUR CERTIFIED MARRIDATE THERAPIST. REACH OUT TO US FOR A VIRTUAL APPOINTMENT!